Friday, December 30, 2005

Totally weird mon

You know what I find strange? The fact that I really enjoy my other blog more than this one. It makes little to no sense, but for some reason I find that I write better on the other one. Hmmmmm....psychological somethingoranother I suppose...

Monday, December 26, 2005

My other blog has reopened.

I decided to reopen my other blog. It took me a while, because I had somehow lost my user name, but being the computer genius (yeah right) that I am, I eventually figured it out. So...umugore still exists, but so does erl. Don't ask why I decided to do this, I guess I figured it had been long enough and I missed the old blog. Dork that I am...

Wednesday, December 21, 2005


Sometimes I dont understand why I have to be me. Why couldn't I have been someone else when I was born? Someone who didnt constantly hate themself because they are never good enough? I dont understand why I have to have these fucking Nobel Prize standards for myself and for everyone around me. Nothing I ever do is good enough for myself. I mean, this is my sick sick sick way of thinking: If I get an A, I automatically think "well that professor just felt bad for me." If I am encouraged by people to apply for PhD programs, I automatically think "well that's just because they don't want to be rude and tell me not to apply and hurt my feelings." If I exercise, I never think that it's enough, I'm tempted to run 3...4 times a day. It's thinking like this that made me lose 30 lbs when I lived in Chicago. It's thinking like this that makes me so angry at myself sometimes. I dont understand where it comes from or why. I just dont get it. I mean, most of the time I'm okay, and I can control it. The thoughts still come, but they're just tiny little voices in the back of my head that I can smother. But sometimes...sometimes they take over. And I dont understand WHY. AND IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY. I'm afraid to get into another relationship with someone ever again because I managed to push away my last boyfriend by picking and nagging and making it completely obvious that nothing he ever did was ever ever ever good enough for me. It's just not fair. I mean, I DONT want to be like this. But the other night, I had a date with this kid who I actually like, and it's been so long since I've actually even really been interested in someone beyond a stupid crush - where I've though "wow, maybe I could actually like this person." The next thought - the NEXT though that comes out of my head then is "There's no point." Followed quickly by "What did he just do? Why did he do that? I'm already picking. I can't do this again." I mean, at least with my cat I dont pick because...he's an animal who basically follows what I say. Am I just a total spoiled brat who is SO used to getting my own way that I can't ever be happy unless things are going exactly how I want them to? It's so fucking sick to, because I KNOW that I do this - I know it. I'm cognitively aware of the fact that this behavior is wrong. It's not like I need other people to point it out to me. But the thing that is so scary is that I AM aware of it, and I still have NO idea how to change it. No fucking clue. I mean, I would so much rather be one of those people who is completely un-self-aware and therefore all they need is for someone to say "Look! Right there! That's you're problem!" and then they change it. Much less scary. Much less difficult. All I know is, I really do want to stop doing this because I'm afraid that I'll be alone for the rest of my life (by my own election) if I dont.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Well THAT was the weirdest dream ever

I just woke up from the strangest dream. My roommate from college and I were in Florida, when we figured out that somehow (I forget how) my corpse was in a morgue there. I was alive, but my corpse was there. We found out that this guy (a mortician I guess?) was planning on doing an autopsy of the body (ugh, the body. I just referred to myself as lacking humanity, how lovely.) so we decided to try and find him so I could learn why I died.

Throughout the dream we were searching for him, and at the very very end we caught up. When we found him I asked "have you found anything yet?" To which he replied "Not quite yet; all I can tell you so far is that you had better slow down your drinking because your liver is as hard as a rock."

Then I woke up.

I think that my body is trying to tell me something...

Friday, December 16, 2005

The average Ph.D. thesis is nothing but a transference of bones from one graveyard to another. - J. Frank Dobie

Thursday, December 15, 2005

People are hilarious

In the "people are fucking bizarre" category, we have some good Floridian homeowners, who decided to display a Rudolph made of lights hanging upside down from a tree, with red lights that look like blood dripping out of it onto the ground.

Display Shows Bleeding Rudolph Hanging From Tree
ORLANDO, Fla. -- A holiday display is getting some negative attention from neighbors. A homeowner's display in the Hunter's Creek subdivision features Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer hanging from a tree.

That's hot.

I have now officially wasted a good 10 minutes of my life

somewhere it's 12:11 PM.
Mumbai India is actually 11 hours and a half ahead of the United States.

The Chinese new year is not January 1st.

Kurt Cobain was born on my birthday.
So was Cindy Crawford.
I think I respect one more than the other.

The Hamitic Myth is just another reason that organized religion blows.

I have only read about 1/2 of the books on my book shelf right now.
When I have spare time I tend to sleep. Or drink.
It's a great waste of time.

Who needs an education to work in the 'real' world anyway?
None of the jobs I've ever had require a Philosophy background.
That I'm aware of anyway.

When they say painkillers, they mean cocaine.

The Westing Game rocks.

My cat is not overweight.
He is big boned.

Graham Greene sort of rocks.
For being pseudo-religious and all.

The border conflict between Eritrea and Ethiopia troubles me.
It seems really stupid.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intraveinously.
So is herion.

Able said I ere I saw Elba.

A group of officers is called a mess.
That does not surprise me.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

No offense to the war in Iraq and all...

but might it be wise to concentrate our attention on the Iranian President by the name of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad who happens to be a VOCAL and ADAMANT opponent to the existance of Israel and (as far as I can tell) the Israeli people as well.

First he make that ... um ... really interesting comment that Israel should be "wiped off the map", and now this:
Iranian leader denies Holocaust

C'mon now people. Get your heads out of your asses and take a look around at what seems more vital: controversy over a war that is already in progress OR paying heed to the apparently genocidal intentions of Ahmadinejad.

We need to be more aware than this. Fucking politics.
Malariya izahaza abana
Malariya izahaza ababyeyi
Cyo muhaguruke ntawe usigaye
Tuyirwanye tubeho
Ibimenyetso byayo ni byinshi
Ariko umuriro wo ntabwo ujya ubura
Cyo muhanguruke ntawe usigaye
Tuyirwanye tubeho
Ku mugoroba tujye dukinga
Nyuma turyame mu nzitiramibu
Cyo muhanguruke ntawe usigaye
Tuyirwanye tubeho
Ugize ibyayo agafatwa nayo
Nitumuvuze umunsi yafashwe
Cyo muhaguruke ntawe usigaye
Tuyirwanye tubeho

Die at your own risk, mayor proposes

Proposal: Residents should mind 'health in order not to die'

I laughed.

But then, my friend sent me a story the other day about two brother who died in totally separate car accidents just a few hours after one another on the same day in Tennessee. All I could think about was the fact that one of them was actually driving a 1984 Porsche.

Something I think that my sense of humor is totally sick and twisted.

I may be right about that...